by
Executive Director/Co-Founder Irene van der Zande
People
are more likely to believe you and do what you want them to if you sound
and look like you believe in what you are saying. This is true whether
you are ordering someone approaching you on the street to leave you
alone, telling a co-worker to stop making insulting jokes, inviting
someone to join you for lunch, marketing something, or asking someone to
donate money to your favorite cause.
You
can change your way of presenting yourself depending on what you want.
If you want someone who is scaring or bothering you to stop some
behavior, be definite. If you want another person to be interested in
doing something with you, be enthusiastic. If you want someone who is
scared to feel safe, be caring.
Pay
attention to your tone of voice and choice of words. Are you raising the
tone at the end of each sentence to make it a question? Making
statements into questions leaves you sounding uncertain and anxious. Are
your words vague or positive and clear? If you want to communicate
something really important to you, it can be worth taking the time to
write the words down and practice out loud in front of a mirror. Get
feedback from other people to make sure that you sound both confident
and respectful.
Pay
attention to your body language and facial expressions. Are your
shoulders slumped? Is your head down? Do you have an apologetic smile on
your face? This makes you look like a victim. Are you glaring at someone
and making rude gestures? This makes you look like an aggressor. Most
communications with others will work best if your body is upright and
your face is calm.
In
a confrontation, ordering someone to "PLEASE STOP!" is apt to
work much better than, "Would you please stop, okay?" At the
same time, you don't want to escalate a potential confrontation by
insulting someone. Dealing with a conflict works best if your voice,
tone, words, body, and expression are firm, polite, strong and clear.
What
about a situation in which you are trying to get someone to do something
you think is worthwhile? Make sure that you don't sound whiny or phony.
It is hard not to sound like a pleading child if you really want someone
to do something. It is normal to feel frustrated with other people when
they don't do what you want. However, people are rarely motivated by
feeling guilty blamed. Even the tiniest hint of negativity is likely to
cause the other person to not want to deal with you. At the same time, a
friendly tone of voice covering up irritation can come across as phony
and make you sound untrustworthy.
Try
to empathize with the other person's perspective. People are often
overwhelmed by their lives. They are most likely to listen to you if
your voice, words, body, face and underlying attitude are consistently
positive.
